Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Longing and other assorted love songs...

Hey everybody!

We're gonna have some fun, we're having a magic party and I thought you might like to come!

But seriously, welcome to another edition of my fantastic blog!

And by fantastic, I mean a little mundane!

Now, if you read my last post I mentioned a mystery lady, who again for reasons beyond my control I can't name, but I'll go into the specifics of what's gone down.

I've known her for a couple of years now, she's just been an acquaintence for a while, but this year we've really gotten to know each other well, and we trust each other enough now that she's told me alot of very personal things, I've been there for her, and she's been there for me. More importantly an issue that's arisen with women I've tried to get close to is my epilepsy and the problems it causes, it intimidates alot of people and I can understand why, it still doesn't make it easier when it drives people away, but this girl understands, and she understands my unpredictable/volatile personality, because she is exactly the same, and it is very nice to have that common ground with someone. She's had as hard a time in life as I have, and that's what really kicked it off between us.

And that's the thing, even though I'm big, intimidating, and most notably into my hard rock music, some might say that someone as small, gobby and into modern pop as she is may not even have the slightest thing in common, but we do, and that is what I love about her.

There's that word again, love, it's a strong word and I'm not using it lightly, it is a love for her that I have, and I mean that, but the thing is I don't have it in me to tell her about it, let me tell you why...

I've described how good a friendship we have, and how nice a girl she is but the kicker is, is that she has alot on her plate as it is, and I imagine the last thing she would need is someone like me filling up what little spare time she has, which is logical, but it still doesn't stop it hurting me every time I see her.

I plan out ways I might tell her, but everytime I see her I just crumble, and any of you that know me well enough will know, that I don't crumble at all.

Now I've felt this way for months, since about May, infact, and I still haven't had the guts to tell her how I feel about her, no matter what people say or advise, it takes alot.

So yeah, I feel I had to get it out there

Thanks for reading


  1. Mate, you have my sympathy. Being best friends with someone you'd love to go out with is somewhere I've been, gone and never want to go there again.

    I took the step and told her how I felt. When, for want of a better way of putting it, 'it all went down,' you weren't in Crashpoint so unless you were paying particularly close attention to my lyrics in some of the later CP songs you probably won't have picked up on this. And, as a lot of what was going on with me at that point influenced my eventual referral to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, exactly what happened and why is better imagined than described. Let's just say it didn't go down so well.

    It's a tough call, it really is. I wish I was able to tell you to go for it, she'd want to know, and if you don't tell her now then you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been... but in hindsight, I feel I should have spent the rest of my life wondering what might have been instead of spending the rest of my life knowing that things would have been a damn sight better for all concerned if I'd have kept my mouth shut and left well enough alone. The one good thing I can say about it is that I talked to her a couple of years later, and even though we didn't talk about when it got awkward, being friends with her again did give me some closure on it.

    I'll leave you with a line from the book The Phantom Waltz:

    "Sometimes it's better to wonder where a feeling will take you than to find out and have regrets."

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